Good lord, if I thought I had just lost $300,000, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. Actually, let’s ratchet that down, as having a bag filled with $300,000 cash isn’t even within the realm of possibility for me. Let’s divide that by ten and say I lost $30,000. Not that I’d ever even have that much on me, but I did once close a bank account during my lunch break and returned to work with a few thousand bucks stuffed in my pockets (in hindsight, I’m thinking a cashier’s check or something would have been more convenient and less nerve-wracking), so I guess it’s not completely out of the question.
Thus, I can’t imagine being the mystery poker player who recently left a paper bag filled with almost a third of a million dollars in the back seat of a Las Vegas taxi.
By now, I’m sure you have all heard the story. Gerardo Gamboa was making an uneventful pickup at the Bellagio last Monday morning when the doorman gave him a brown paper bag that he noticed had been left in the back of the car. Gamboa thought it was probably chocolates or something, but eventually decided to take a peek and was shocked to find the sack filled with $300,000 in cash. He immediately called dispatch and took the money to his company’s main office. Long story short, the Las Vegas police, along with help from Gamboa (who retraced his steps to try to provide clues) and the cab company, tracked down the man who left the package behind.
As it turned out, it was a 28-year old “famous” poker player, who had just cashed out the money from the Cosmopolitan. OF COURSE it was a poker player. Lenny Dykstra has more regard for money than do poker players.
My initial thought upon reading about this was the same one that most people probably had: HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU FORGET $300,000 IN THE BACK OF A TAXI?!
I mean, seriously. I left an umbrella in a cab once, but that had neither sentimental nor TREMENDOUS MONETARY VALUE. When I had a couple thousand dollars in my pockets after closing that bank account, I was Walter White-paranoid. If I had 300 large on me, I would clutch it like it was my first born.
In fact, when my first born was an infant, I was carrying her down the stairs of my home. Near the bottom of the flight, there is a bit of an overhang formed by the upstairs hallway. It normally goes unnoticed, except for this time, when the combination of my greater than six-foot height and my tendency to bound down the stairs resulted in me smacking my forehead squarely on said overhang. Under any other circumstances, I likely would’ve have fallen down the rest of the stairs and possibly hit my head again, this time on the front door. But because I was holding my daughter, I was somehow able to hold on to her, skip the last few steps, land on my feet, and stay steady long enough to set her down so I could writhe in pain on the couch.
My point: if I had a lunch bag whose contents were 300,000 pieces of lettuce, I would have clutched that thing to me tighter than I held onto my daughter.
And if I did lose it somehow…I don’t even want to think about it. It would have been a nightmare greater than all my school, naked in public, and quicksand oatmeal nightmares combined. I would have simultaneously cried and frozen in place.
But here is the other thing. When the poker player was found, he showed up at the cab company’s office wearing sweats and a t-shirt and carrying no identification. If it were me, and I know this may be nit-picking just a tad, but bear with me here, I would have arrived to claim my money WITH PROPER IDENTIFICATION. As such, I probably would have opted for slacks with pockets in which I could carry a wallet. A smart button-down shirt or polo might have been a nice touch, too. You know, look like a guy who might be the rightful owner of $300,000.
My god, he did not bring identification. He didn’t bring identification! To claim $300,000 that he left in a taxi.
There are not enough faces or palms on this Earth to allow for the appropriate number of facepalms that this deserves.
Happy New Year, everyone. May 2014 be filled with many days of either not losing bags full of money or quickly recovering such bags that have been lost.